The Horse Whisperer


I should probably point out at that I haven’t starting being at one with the animals or anything, although I did nearly miss my train this morning due to a (failed) attempt to bond with a one-eyed cat, but this title came to me and I decided to go with it. Does it make sense to this post? I haven’t figured that out yet, but I’ve decided to stop over analysing things, starting with the titles on my blog.

Thinking too much has long been a problem of mine - if my imagination has an off button, then I am yet to find it. Sometimes this is fun (my daydreams about the incoming neighbour are certainly entertaining me prior to his moving in), but sometimes it can prove a little problematic. Example: I don’t always sleep that well, so I’ve been using an app of late to try and monitor any patterns. There is a sound option, and given I’ve been known to talk in my sleep I should probably turn it on - but I’ve also seen a ghost before and suffer from sleep paralysis.

These two things combined mean I’m convinced I’ll wake up one morning, listen to the sounds of my room through the night and hear the Devil and his demons chanting at me. Has anyone seen Paranormal Activity? I have, and I distinctly recall how the haunted characters were told that the presence of their tape recorder had egged-on the spirits. I may be wishing I had more happening in the bedroom, but please remember I’m also very picky. To clarify, this means I prefer my men alive.

But I digress from the reason why I started writing this post. Why horse? What’s that got to do with spooky experiences? Not a lot really, unless the four horsemen of the apocalypse come to visit me tonight, but I’m sitting in Starbucks waiting to go into a meeting and I’m basically documenting my thoughts as they pour out of my head. As a result I seem to have deviated from the point I planned to make, which is actually about my hair - hair I'm hoping will soon emulate a horse's mane. 

This may take some time to achieve, for exactly one year ago I chopped off it all off. Really short. I did it on a whim (I can be pretty impulsive) and have subsequently spent the last year walking around with my neck crooked backwards, all in an attempt to make it look long again. Which brings me to my recent discovery of the miracle that is horse shampoo... And so it is with this statement I finally start making sense.

At least I think so. I promise it's not actually as insane as it sounds, although that hasn’t stopped friends from telling me they think I’m ‘really weird’. Indeed, one even bought me a card that read ‘Everyone is normal until you get to know them’ - then on the back wrote, ‘Except you.’ Thanks love. (She did add that she thinks I’m ‘delightfully strange’ so I guess we can still be friends.)

After reading about the brand Mane & Tail, originally a supplier of shampoo and conditioner for horses' - you guessed it - manes and tails, I knew I had to climb on board. Apparently equestrians realised (by chance, wtf?) that the cleanser they used on their horses also dramatically improved their own hair. Right… Just one question? Who the hell first figured this out? Were they in the shower one morning, realised they’d run out of their staple brand and immediately thought, 'Oh no problem, I’ll just nip out naked to the stables and borrow Black Beauty’s'?

If so, then I would argue that I am not the strangest person about, but I am very thankful to them for their weirdness, for it really does make a difference. I’ve only been using it for a week but already my hair feels thicker and stronger, healthier than it has in years. Some reviews claim it looks like your hair grows double quick, a side-effect of less breakage, so here's hoping. Maybe I should do a deal with the Devil when he visits?

Spurred on, I’ve also started using the brand's ‘Hoofmaker’ nail cream, with full expectations that long talons will be forthcoming. I’m also considering trying udder cream, a cream used on cow’s udders (but you probably figured that out already. Or at least, I hope you did) that is said to be the ultimate moisturiser. Raquel Welch swears by the stuff, and if I look like her when I’m 76 then I’ll be the one laughing. Come to think of it, isn’t there a milk brand called ‘The Laughing Cow’? Perhaps I better start drinking that too...

At the end of the day, why stop at horses when there’s a whole farm to explore? Thinking about it now, it’s slightly ironic that I’m turning to the country animals in an attempt to improve my looks, for the breaking point between myself and one ex was centred around the fact he wanted to move to out of town and buy a farm. For the record, I didn’t.

If I had that choice again, maybe I’d think differently. I could be a modern-day Cinderella, talking to the animals, who in turn all do their bit to help me out. For the time being though I think I’ll stick to whispering to my ponytail. After all, they do say if you talk to plants they grow quicker, so maybe it’s the same deal with our locks?

And with that I'm off to brush my hair, feeling quite smug that I managed to make sense of my title. You could even say I neighed it.*

*(Sorry, couldn’t resist.)

Game of Love

The not so beautiful south